Deliberation
by Strange.x.And.x.Beautiful
Summary: Songfic. After the Port Angeles incident Edward has some deep thinking to do about Bella. BxE


Deliberation

**Stephenie Meyers owns Twilight. Nuff said there. The lyrics belong to a song called 'Alone' by Celine Dion (I told you I had a strange taste in music).**

**Enjoy!**

**Edward POV**

_I hear the ticking of the clock  
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark  
I wonder where you are tonight  
No answer on the telephone  
And the night goes by so very slow  
Oh I hope that it won't end though  
Alone_

I laid there wondering about the enigma that was Isabella Swan; I couldn't get her off of my mind. Ever since the first day she'd joined Forks high school she'd turned my world upside down, and for all the wrong reasons.

She was a human. I was a vampire. That was the first major flaw in our relationship...well; could I call it a relationship? I wasn't sure to be honest.

Secondly, she was my singer. Even with my concrete abstinence, her blood lit my throat on fire as soon as I caught a whiff of her scent. She smelt so delicious, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to harm her, she had to stay safe forever...but I knew I shouldn't be the man to do it. I was dangerous to her; I was a danger to myself when I was around her. What an earth was I thinking?

Lastly, she was a danger magnet. I'd already put my family at risk when I'd saved her from being crushed by Tyler's car a couple of weeks ago. I knew saving her all the time would make me vulnerable.

Although there was no danger of Bella finding out what I was, she'd already figured that out from the stories the Quileute boy had told her...but she didn't seem afraid of me. I'd watched her when we were in the car talking about why I was so different from the others, not once did she shy away from me like she should've done. It seemed to me she was more afraid of never speaking to me again, which caught me off guard.

_Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
How do I get you alone_

I don't know what happened at Port Angeles. I'd gone and saved her from death again by blowing my cover when she was cornered down the alley. I was afraid of how I'd suddenly wanted to tear those men apart for trying to hurt Bella. The intensity of these emotions scared me; I'd never reacted this strongly in my life! I was unnerved by it. I'd never felt protective of anyone aside from my family, yet there I was, having to keep my temper under control because of her.

Never in a million years had anyone heard of a human and a vampire becoming friends, let alone form a romantic relationship. But I wanted relationship with her, any kind of relationship, so long as I could interact with her, try and get to know her better, I would be happy.

Something about her changed me, for some reason all the emotions I'd forgotten since becoming a vampire were coming back to the surface. Worry, jealousy, happiness, longing...I felt all of those emotions every time I was around her.

In a hundred years I'd never felt this way about a woman. I'd never felt anything but brotherly love towards Rosalie, I'd travelled to the Denali coven and none of the ladies there had piqued my interest. After two years here in Forks no one had caught my eye...until Bella.

When I looked at her it seemed to me as if I was seeing the world for the first time, I was actually seeing the beauty around me. I'd spent so much time looking at mediocrity, that since she'd arrived I was now learning to look at everything in pure clarity and appreciate the splendour.

_You don't know how long I have wanted  
to touch your lips and hold you tight  
You don't know how long I have waited  
and I was gonna tell you tonight  
But the secret is still my own  
and my love for you is still unknown  
Alone_

She'd told me this evening that I dazzled any person (especially women) that looked at me, but the truth was she was the one that dazzled me.

With every other human being I could delve into their thoughts and know exactly what they were like. It was as if I had a painting already in front of me to interpret. However, with Bella she was a blank canvas, there was no way I could determine what she was thinking. When I tried to listen to her thoughts I heard nothing, it was like trying to listen to a brick wall. Frustrating as it was, it intrigued me greatly, and it drew me to her like a moth to a flame.

Every look she gave I wanted to know everything behind it. It wasn't just her current thoughts I wanted to know about, I wanted to know everything that had happened in her life, why she'd moved to Forks, what her life was like before she came here, what her childhood was like.

It amused me how she was completely unaware that practically all the boys in the school were enamoured over her, yet she noticed every time a woman looked at me. I didn't care though; Bella had my full and undivided attention whenever she was around.

It was hard for me to admit it to her, I always played my cards close to my chest and there was no way that I was going to let her know how I felt until I was completely sure that she wasn't going to run away screaming from me.

_Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone_

Unable to keep myself away from her for any moment longer, I left my room and made my way towards her father's house.

It took me about two minutes as I raced through the trees at an inhuman speed, but every evening I knew what I was running towards was worth it.

When I arrived at the side of her truck I took to the tree outside of her window. As I watched Bella in silence, I smiled as it reminded me of the first evening I came here and found myself mesmerised by her.

I'd turned up feeling hesitant; I was unsure what my motive was to come here. Was I here because I wanted to kill her? Or was I here because I wanted to study her? As I overlooked the sleeping angel she was talking about nothing particular, how much she missed her mother, how green Forks was compared to where she used to live, and then she called out my name. I'd frozen in my spot wondering if she'd caught my spying on her, but I realized she'd called it out in her sleep as she sighed and rolled over.

From then on I'd watched her every night, feeling like I was drawn into her, like she was my gravity. I was helpless, I couldn't fight it, and to be honest I didn't want to. It seemed like a force of nature, simple yet so powerful. I'd often wondered if there was ever a chance to tell her how I felt, but I'd already concluded there never would be. It broke the rules of nature; the lamb never fell in love with the lion.

So here I sat watching the most beautiful girl in the world and I could never have her.

I'd always be _alone_.

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